I know what it is like to not want to face life. I know what it is like to want to sleep it all away. I know what it is like to smile and say I'm fine to everyone when inside I'm screaming for someone to help me.
I don't want to talk specifics. In fact, I do not want to talk to much of anyone lately.
I was at church today and lasted through the first meeting but only barely. I felt like such a hypocrite just being there. The bishop just shook my hand and said, "I'm glad to see you're here and doing better." He never asked, he didn't seem to even care. I suppose as long as the numbers are up - that's all that matters to him.
I live on sleeping pills and pain pills. I have slept most of the day today and anticipate sleeping quite soundly tonight as well.
The only person that I have found that I can trust lives several states away. I am grateful for her and that she is concerned but this is not something that she needs to be concerned with. It makes me feel guilty.
I have so much to be grateful for but cannot seem to summon the energy to be so.
Forgive me for the venting and the lack of being myself lately. The truth is that I do not even know who I am. I'm not sure that I ever knew. I'm just continuing to live the lie.
I'm on a journey that I do not want to be on.
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