Life is weird

You know, I've been thinking. I know, you're all thinking, "well there's a shocker." Things haven't been going exactly well and easy for me lately. I know that life is not supposed to be easy but still it's like worse than usual - if I can put it that way. I went back and reread some things that I had written in my journal prior to moving from OK to ID in July 08. In particular, I read the recording I had done of a blessing given to me by my bishop at that time. All of sudden everything seemed so much clearer. My life is going nowhere and I feel in such a deadend place right now because I am not where I am supposed to be and I'm not pursuing what I am supposed to pursue. The problem then became what to do about it. What direction am I supposed to go in? I tried applying for jobs in other cities and one looked promising but from the beginning it didn't feel right or good. It ended up not working out for reasons I don't want to go into right now. Anyway, I had a horrid day at work. It was nice to be missed by my residents but I walked into a disaster this morning. Everything had been screwed up and the stuff that is essential to be done on the 1st of each month had no feasible way of being done because of the screw-ups of the new boss. I wanted to scream. Anyway, I told Kathy (my former boss) that it's like God is trying to tell me something important and everytime I dismiss what He is saying, He pushes me harder and harder until all I can see is what He is trying to tell me. It is unmistakable that He wants me to go somewhere else now. I feel it with everything in me. As I was driving home from work, I had the radio off (a common occurance) and was trying to talk things out with myself. I ended up saying something like "I just don't want to go to Pocatello. I can't do that again. I just can't." I then found myself stopping (not my car - just my train of thought). I realized that I was trying to tell God what He needed to make happen not the other way around. I need to be willing to do whatever wherever He wants it done. Get my will in sync with His, not forcing Him to go with me. I think that was the initial problem and it's just escalated the last few months. So, I've been sitting here tonight doing some contemplation. All of a sudden the words from that blessing came back and hit me square between the eyes. I think that perhaps I am supposed to go back to Pocatello and that scares the living daylights out of me. I can't explain why - it just does - the explanation would make absolutely no sense to anyone outside of myself. So, I'm going to make some calls tomorrow morning and see what can be done and some options. I know what I want to do but seeing if it is going to be doable is completely different. I just feel that perhaps this is the right task. As soon as I started to do some research, it was like a lightbulb just went off and everything started to make sense. I've just been too stubborn and prideful to let myself see the clear answer that has been sitting out in front of me the entire time.