Choices

I don't even know how to say what I feel like I need/want to say.  It's been so long.  So many ups and downs, so much emotional residue still to deal with.  I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long.  I'll just say life happens.  I won't attempt to play catch up - let's just post this and go on with no more apologies or excuses.

I started thinking many many weeks ago that it's probably about time that I went back for my PhD.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I had done my research and had picked some really great schools to send my applications.  Schools that I thought could really push me in the direction that I needed to go.  However, I left one very important step out.  I never prayed about it.  It's true.  I think subconsciously I knew what would happen.  I felt good about the decision on my own.  that's enough, right?  Wrong.  I started having doubts.  Not about my abilities - I know that I could successfully accomplish this goal.  I've been listening to old CES talks to and from work.  One of the talks (don't ask me which one now) hit me.  I can't even remember who was speaking.  I remember the statement about how we really need to ask ourselves and the Lord what we should be doing with our lives.  The speaker said something to the effect of imagine yourself ten or twenty years down the road, where are you?  What are you doing with your life?  That hit me hard - harder than anything has in a very long time.  So I started praying more fervently, more sincerely, with more longing than I have in quite a while.  I started having these dreams - but they were more than dreams.  It's hard to explain.  The feelings they evoked and are still evoking are so powerful.  I'm not going to go into them but they are recorded in my journal for my benefit and for those who may come after me.  Just the other day, I was thinking about my life and the mess I've been making of it.  I thought about my future, just as that speaker had suggested.  I didn't see my life playing out on a college campus.  My life didn't revolve around being a college professor as I have so often thought/wished.  I know what I want in my life and just wanting it doesn't make it magically happen.  I feel my future so close - so close it's a little scary.  The answer from the Lord regarding my education was not a firm no - just a not right now.  My priorities are shifting.  It's hard for me to keep up.  Music is and will always be a major part of me but it's not all of me.  I'm remembering things that people have said to me - have always said to me and it gives me chills.  I'm getting back on the right track.  I was never really off of the right path but I was kind of swerving.  It's a daily battle but one that I'm up to fighting.  I went home to my parents a couple of weeks ago and my dad shared a quote by President Hinckley with me.  I think about it every day - sometimes several times a day:  "You can be smart and happy or stupid and miserable...it's your choice."  Here's to being happy and to living the life that the Lord has planned for each of us.  He knows what we are going to do.  He knows it all.  This life is a testing period for US.