Billie

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." - Kahlil Gibran

Sorry for this post (in advance) - it's just something that I have to do. Friday morning someone very special to me passed away. Her name was Billie and she was one of my residents. She was more than that though - she became family to me. There are certain people that come into your life and for no known reason bond with you. That was definitely the way Billie and I were. From almost the 1st day there was an element of trust and love that was just instinctual. She was my extra-grandma - although she told me (and others) I was her daughter. In fact, her 2 daughters even adopted me as "little sister." She was not well and was on hospice. Thus, I knew that she wouldn't be around for as long as I would have liked, but it's still hard. In fact, I'm a little surprised at how hard losing her has been for me. It just goes to show that family is more a state of the heart. So, here's 10 of the reasons that I loved her and will miss her. They are listed in no particular order and I could probably list hundreds.

1. She loved me because I was me. There was no order or reason. Vice versa. I loved her because she was. She accepted me for who I was and what I brought to the table. She never asked me to change or to be more than what I was already.

2. She was always sincere and ALWAYS authentic. She never had a bad word to say about anything. She was so giving of herself and never really knew that about herself.

3. Even if she didn't want to, she would come to art and make a few lines on a piece of paper and tell me to "keep it." She made me a valentine last February on a piece of orange construction paper. It is simply a heart with "love Billy" written in the center. It hangs in my bedroom with my other pictures.

4. She loved to sing and music in general. That should say it all. It wasn't loud but she knew every word to every song we sang.

5. She loved to laugh. No matter what was happening, she would just start chuckling and have the biggest smile on her face. Her smile was definitely contagious.

6. This is one of my favorites to remember. She would be leaving a group after only being there a few minutes. I would look at her and say, "Oh, I guess you just don't like me anymore." (in a joking manner of course) She would stop and look at me and with the most serious expression say, "I love you." She'd look at me until I would tell her I loved her too. Then she'd smile.

7. She had a firm grip. She liked to know you were there. So, if I were standing by her, she would grab my sweater to get my attention and start pulling on it. As soon as she had my undivided attention, she would take at least one of my hands with both of hers and she was not letting go for anything. Oftentimes during music (her daughter Sherry led that group), I would sit by her and she would hold my hands and just sing. If I wasn't doing too good a job she would start laughing.

8. She was "my girl" and she knew it. We would often have conversations where the words "favorite" would float amongst us. She would go anywhere with me provided I sat and stayed with her and took her back at her request. There were times when I would take her to an activity and then leave the room to get someone else or to get something that I had forgotten. She always, always let me know that I was in a bit of trouble with her. She forgave easily though.

9. She loved her family fiercely. She always knew when Sherry or Elaine (her daughters) were supposed to be there. She looked forward to their visits. She also had 3 sons - she knew that but could never remember their names (as result of her illness). She even introduced me to her daughters as her daughter once or twice. Good thing her daughters loved me too!

10. The last reason is not simple, I suppose nothing is. I loved Billie for all the things I've listed but I loved her because that's not all she was. I didn't know her when she was "all there." I met her when she was in poor enough health to be admitted to a care center. I loved her because of all she had experienced in her life. It all made her what she was. The essence of who she was still existed in her. She was kind, generous, loving, happy, and much more. She had a trust in me that no one in my life has ever had. I suppose that the most important reason that I loved her was because she loved me. That's all there really is in this world - love. I may cry and be an emotional mess for a little bit but it's merely a testament to love. I truly believe that we were sent to each other and I'm not the 1st person to say that. I miss her already and will continue to miss her for a long time.

"Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love....we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life." - Elder Russell M. Nelson